my eyes are closed.

That's what I do several times a day when I start thinking about certain things. Some people can day dream with their eyes open but mine are closed, they need to be in order for me to feel fully devoted to my thoughts and to be able to hold on to them for as long as possible. I've always been somewhat of a hopeless romantic and it seems lately that most of my day dreams are visions of me and you. Little pieces of life and the happiness we share...Never too detailed...probably because we do not share that many memories yet or maybe it's because simplicity is what is sought after. In my day dreams though you always make me smile, that's really all I can say.

You Were Meant for Me" performed by Jewel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fGj77BrEgj4

Burnt Sienna

Sold--Available at Dye Pretty Salon--

-- Burnt Sienna --

Henna

Sold--Available at Dye Pretty Salon--

-- HENNA --

and the Rooster says "Cockadoodledoo"

I've been super busy designing & wrapping these feathered ear candies and my house is starting to look like a chickens coop but it seems all this Fresh Feather business is well off to a good start.

I'm happy to say I've sold half of what I've made so far and I've even had special requests. Also, I've been asked to bring my Fresh Feather Line to a fashion show at the end of October (more details to come on that).

With that said I have a new batch of Fresh Feathers which will be available at Dye Pretty Salon in the next week, they are all made of Rooster feathers which are super silky and a beaut to look at. I hope you enjoy.

Any suggestions or creative advice is more than welcome.

I'm wearing "Cocky" and they're mine, so that means they're not for sale. =)

who say's I can't tri it?

And so I do.
And so I am, a tri-athlete.

After a few months of pretty intense dedication, learning how to swim correctly or just swimming correctly enough, aquiring battle wounds from biking excursions, countless miles on the treadmill and weight training... yeah you get the point, I completed my first triathlon this past Sunday.



I swam 300 meters, biked 13 miles and ran/jogged/walked/power walked 3 miles.
My goal was to finish and that's just what I did.



I had awesome supporters there the whole time. I know Eileen, my angel was watching over me the whole time, guiding me and pushing me just like she did in the last days of her life. My roomie gave me awesome braids and helped me stay calm from the second I woke up that morning; Michaela & London made a Go! GO! Go! sign; and Mom, Dave & Deanna all came out to cheer me on. Also, my girls who didn't give up either, Megan, Erin & Kathryn - rocked it out too!! I'm happy to announce like all of my friends are tri-athletes now!



While the whole process was one I will never forget, I was most amazed at how calm I stayed during the race. Considering the hot mess I was in the week prior, you'd be amazed too. But it's fascinating how our bodies and minds although sometimes conflicting, can at the most pertinent times work seamlessly together, toward a common thread. During the swim, I had a slower swimmer in front of me, a faster one passing me on the side and one more behind me tapping at my toes AND I didn't panick!!! It was in this instance that I knew all my preperation mentally & physically was going to pay off. I was controlled, I knew I had done this all before, maybe just not all together....



And so I can say I am proud of my accomplishment. I understand that physically it's a great feat but I tend to give the mental aspect more credit. I believe if you keep faith and rely on yourself, that even if you loose a leg, an eye, your hearing, have cancer, whatever, you can do it if you put your mind to it. I had a 56 year old women pass me on the run for Pete's sake!



I consider myself a pretty diverse person but a triathlon was not really my cup o' tea and I didn't really want to do it, I would have rather done a gazillion other things, but all this combined is what attracted me. I took something I never thought I do, never wanted to do, made it mine and now have a story to tell, and in that I have created something beautiful. Maybe now if I ever get stuck out in the middle of a desert somewhere I can use my awesome strength and relentless endurance to keep me alive until I'm found. Who knows really?



Bottom line.
The Finish Line is in sight.
It's important to believe in yourself even if no one else does.
It's extra nice though when you have someone who also believes in you.
It's extremely cool when you have a slew of people who do.



I feel lucky to be so blessed.

still

In addition to my personal training regimen with Josh, the bubbly boo-tay trainer, which is in its 9th month of greatness, over the past few months I have also been training for a triathlon. I know, I know. It’s pretty amazing huh? At least I’m not sitting on the couch eating bon-bons, right? And so, as the tri-date quickly approaches my confidence level, which should be soaring super high, just hit rock bottom.

All of this training and preparation for a triathlon not only works wonders for the bod but can have a gleaming affect on the ol' backbone. That has been my experience up until last Tuesday's pre-tri-meet. As I pulled and tugged at the borrowed bike, which is in pieces, in order to fit in my tiny two door sports coupe, I must have done it completely wrong. After attaching and tightening the front wheel I tried to stand up only to experience shooting pain up and down the left side of my back - I was stuck in a tying-the-shoe type of bend for a few seconds. Slowly as I tried to stand up straight I realized my back just went out on me. I had yet to swim, bike or run. I tried to ignore the discomfort because I didn't want to disappoint the others but when something hurts that bad it's really, really hard not to think about it. After trying to stretch while listening to transition rules and tips I realized that this, like all other things for me, was going to be a battle. I swam about 50 meters, biked about 3 miles and jogged for under a minute. That's all I could do. I shouldn't have even done that much considering the torment I was experiencing, but I did it to prove a point to myself. I went home dolefully after taking a load of ibuprofen and downing a Fat Tire beer only to ice my back and lather it down with Tiger Balm. Two days later the pain was still there and I was worried that the pain would cause me to withdraw from the race. [This is the point where the confidence starts to disassemble.]

After the third day though my back started feeling better and as I leaned over to tie my shoes, I realized that I could still do this, after all I didn't get stuck this time! I ran about a mile and a half that morning with Armani by my side as the calescent sun beat down on me. We made it home in one piece.

This Tuesday I was supposed to redeem myself as my lil tri-group met to ride the bike course we'll be on for the race. I don't think any of us imagined we'd be biking on a real live road accompanied by cars traveling at 45 plus miles, the map didn't show us that! Heck, the map didn't show much but we (Noah) used his geographic skills to get us going and then somehow lead us off course and into another county. It was at this moment we pulled over and decided it would be best to turn around. Might I add, the map is to blame. And so...of course, Erin and Noah took a quick lead again and Kathryn slowly pulled away leaving me to shadow her. My bike had been having issues on previous rides and quickly progressed into a problem on this ride. I tried not to complain, I didn't want to kill anybodies enthusiasm with my troubles or have them think I was making excuses but the gears kept locking up on me and when it happened I was not able to peddle, in previous times I was able to work everything out but as everyone faded into the distance and I let out a (what to them was a faint) yell, saying "don't get too far ahead, I don't have a cell phone", the unexpected happened and my peddle locked up again. Only this time I was hurled over the handle bars instantly meeting pavement.

I'm sure I was in shock for a second but soon after I picked up the bike and moved off the road. It was in this time that the tears started to flow. My spirit felt defeated. I had no phone. Everyone was probably far ahead. I tried getting back on my bike but in doing so discovered when I landed on the bike I smashed in the right handle bar and somehow locked up the back breaks, so I couldn't even ride it. Looking at my instantly bruised palms, feeling the pain in my knee, my friggin’ back and well most of my body I tried to disengage all the emotions that quickly started taking over. I picked up the bike and started walking. Thankfully the girls got a gut feeling and ten minutes or so later, Kathryn appeared. She came back for me!!! We were able to get a truck to stop and take us to where Erin had stopped and waited, her motherly instincts kicked in and she knew something wasn't right so she had sent Noah back for the truck. After thanking the man in the truck for being so kind, we stood in a church parking lot awaiting Noah's return. It felt like forever to me. I tried to make light of everything but deep down I felt horrible. I had once again let myself down, the group down and everybody's ride was ruined because of me, for a cancer baby that feeling eats at you. Kudos to the dapper pilot and co-pilot for trekking back to the starting point and returning to rescue us.

Three hours after the bike ride began I was on my way home.

I decided to write about all this today because I am super proud of my physical and mental progress this year. I've strengthened my core, built my endurance and I'm working on preserving my life so I can make the best of it. Even though I seem to hit road blocks pretty often I will not let it get me down again. I'm only doing the triathlon to prove to myself I can do anything I set my mind to, no matter how untouchable it once seemed. I am by no means a tri-athlete! So whatever outside force I'm currently battling with that's trying to push me away, you better back up. I may crawl, or skip or hop over the finish line and it may take me hours to do so but I WILL CROSS THE FINISH LINE! that's a bet.

.....and so I'll end this entry with a nice little reflection of the evening after the storm.

The sky was still last night, the moon glowed through the puzzle-like clouds that had formed and as I closed my eyes to take in a deep breath from the prior hours of chaos a cool breeze swept across my face... my favorite time of the year is near.

the sky in my eye

Clearly the sky has always been here, but lately it has taken my by surprise. I find myself gazing into the clouds and some kind of calmness takes me over. It's powers have outweighed the busy days, the traffic jams and the worries. I'm bewildered. Some of my most recent sky photos are my proudest. Of course, keeping the camera less than an arms length away is also a great way to capture one of natures most beautiful gifts.

layers.

beaming.



a way we go.

sunset.


Take a minute out of your busy day, gaze into the sky and be prepared to be amazed.

changes

I'm not sure what has started happening to me but in the last few months or so I've developed a strong liking for beatnik (not the Beatniks per se) music from the late 60's and early 70's - Previously you would have probably found me covering my ears or making a funny face in disgust when these melodies were played but now I'm completely enthralled there is so much of this whatdya do.....lalalala....totally chilled music out there for me to find and listen to! I encourage the tunes to wander throughout...so much so it's becoming a slight obsession.

I would never have thunk I'd be listening to half of this stuff:
Creedence Clearwater Revival. Bob Dylan. Jimi Hendrix. Led Zeppelin. Janis Joplin. The Beatles. Joni Mitchell. Pink Floyd. The Rolling Stones. Santana. Bob Marley. Simon & Garfunkel. Cat Stevens. The Who. The Allman Brothers.

But I am, I really am.

So where is this all coming from?
Well.... let's see. I have an idea, far-fetched as it may seem.

I always try to do something different for my birthday, on PURPOSE, like the time I got my palms read, but this year it came to me out of fate or some might say it was purely coincidental... Either way it seems the decade is starting to follow me around a little. Maybe the notion of dancing in the rain to Holy Ghost Tent Revival while people sport vintage bathing suits made me curious as to what was really happening OR perhaps the encounter with two peace loving gypsies sealed the deal. I mean it was my 26th birthday afterall, and what did I end up doing? I ended up playing with a goat that charged at a rubber ball and knew tricks as well as the next dog, I met chickens & turkeys with names like Lunch and Dinner, and get this — I witnessed a turtle lay an egg! I also viewed a massive hemp jewelry, gem & quartz collection and learned all about glass blowing and even managed to find out that my animal spirit is probably a sea turtle and then was advised that I might have special abilities and I need to see a Shaman asap!! Truth be told in the back of my mind I have always thought that something mysterious lingered in my Cherokee Indian blood and there would come a point in my life when, perhaps when I turned a certain age, I would learn of this... who knew it would come to me by way of another Cherokee girl on a night where I thought drinks would be had at the ol' Rec Billiards until I was all out of birthday drinkin'. Instead I end up at a 200 year old house, lined with psychadelic wallpaper, a farm out back and a however many acre trail lit by way of tiki torches. Maybe a Shaman is in order.

All I know is that everything around me seems to be increasing my free spiritability. The one I intended to discover this year. Does my increased awareness of all this really have me braiding my hair almost daily and buying patchouli to keep the skeeters away? Or is this really the path that was cleared away for me? Who really knows? It's neat to think about though. I guess we all change whether we are aware of it or not and so I keep referring back to something which was just said to me a few weeks ago... 'it takes a special person to be aware of these certain things and that's what makes you different from the others Ashley...' Trippy huh? Any way you look at it, it's these things that keep finding their way into my life and helping me become a better freeeer person, emotionally and spiritually.

So am I finding the music or is the music finding me?
My answer. I feel in one way or another the music finds us, it makes us think, it makes us dream and sends us into a place that is unexplainable. Much like my life right now. I'm taking it all in, riding the wave and enjoying all the experiences and coincendences life is lending me until my time here is over. You should too!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7TbmLkwMHwo

Although this is newer. way newer. it seemed suprisingly fitting.
.....you go...wherever you go today...you go today.

At this point in time, pets ARE better than men.

I love my cat & dog and I believe they both came to me relevant times in my life when I needed them the most.

Hailey was the last kitten out of a litter of 7. I had always wanted a solid grey cat and was on my way to pick up one after class one evening. When I arrived though I was told the grey one was already taken. I was saddened. Then I looked over and there sat this lonely little black & white kitten with the cutest crooked white stripe going down the middle of her nose. Her imperfect stripe and the fact she immediately reminded me of my dad and his crooked nose made me even more saddened that nobody else wanted her. Why did nobody else want her? I couldn’t leave her, I sympathized with her too much… being alone or the “last” one that is. I scooped her up and knew she’d be an important part of my life; she was after all going to the first pet I had on my own.



Eight years later I still love giving her cat nip and watching her roll around in it, she can get pretty funny if you give her enough. She also has a pretty awesome trick where she jumps from the ground onto my shoulder when she wants some loving...Over the years though she has gotten progressively further and further away from my shoulder, but at least she hasn't given up yet! She’ll sit on my shoulder with her head wrapped around the back of my neck, purring so loud it’s almost massage like. The funniest thing is she acts more like a dog than my dog. She likes to sit out on the patio when the weather is nice and sun bathe, she knocks on the door with her paw when she wants in and….meows when she needs to be fed. She’s the chillest, coolest cat I could ever ask for. I will probably never own another cat after her because I’m growing increasingly allergic to her hair and dander but I wouldn’t trade her for the world. She’s been with me on all my moves, through all my boyfriends, and all my ups & downs. Shortly before I first met Hailey I started feeling depressed about myself & life. If it wasn’t for this cat I’ve grown so fond of and who has seemed to always know when I needed a good purr or a warm soul next to me to pet, who knows which direction my life may have taken.

And then there is Armani. His name is so very fitting; everyone that knows him and is reading this entry is currently shaking their head in agreement. After moving into my first house and calling it quits with my boyfriend of several years I decided I wanted a dog. Presumably the dog would help me get out and meet other people, perhaps on a walk we’d run into a hot guy who was walking his dog and then we’d chat it up a little…then end the conversation with a “so when do you usually walk your dog type of thing” and then we’d run into each other again….and again and eventually we’d end up falling in love and walking our dogs together… ok, so now you can see I’m a hopeless romantic or better yet that in the grand scheme of things I wasn’t really thinking about the dog per se, rather where the dog would get me. Well that has changed. I was actively looking to adopt a dog and I had my eye on a Boston terrier at a rescue site. I went through the whole process, hours of filling out the application and talking on the phone only to be REJECTED because I was a single female who travelled from time to time...ANYWAY that’s another soap box, so after all that I had slightly given up on the fact that I was going to “do good” by owning a dog. After hanging out with the ex on several occasions and trying to re-kindle our diluted relationship, he decided to purchase me a dog upon which I fell in love with at our first meeting. To this day I think it was a way for my ex to get back with me but like I’ve said before, "he actually replaced himself!" That’s right - a friend suggested I go see this Italian Greyhound her friends ex-husband needed to “get rid” of, which by the way I’d never heard of this breed before and had no idea that when I met him I’d fall in love with the slightly awkward hairless, rat looking, long legged little thing – but I did! And so came the time when the ex- wandered on and left behind Armani who ended up being purchased for me as a “birthday gift”, the best birthday gift ever!


Armani was named by me as a tribute to his Italian heritage, his sleek sophisticated silver & white coat and the fact that he act’s like a freaking Prince. He’s a sweet, sweet dog whom likes to sleep A LOT and is comparative to that of Velcro. He follows me around everywhere, acts as a divider between me and anybody else on the couch or in the bed (my mom calls him “good” birth control) and needs to be touched or needs to be touching you 97% of the time. I love him to death though and I often find myself looking forward to getting home so I can see his wagging tail or get a sweet hug from him or snuggle with him as I fall asleep. We enjoy long walks and going the dog park where he enjoys sniffing butts and humping little white fluffy dogs he thinks are bunnies and I enjoy watching him dart around like a crazy person acting like he’s some type of racing fool.

And while we haven’t run into anybody walking, well any “men” that is, I’ve come to realize that in order to run into guys my own age, you actually have to live in a neighborhood that’s not geriatric filled. It’s okay though I’ve actually learned a lot about Sammy, the 17- year old grayish/white Maltese with a fierce overbite. It’s exactly what I envisioned happening when I got a dog, right? Ha-ha.

Then again most things don’t happen like you think they will.
In both of my “pet” instances I thought I was getting something else but it developed into something far more than I ever would have envisioned.
Guess the reason I felt like writing about my pets today is because I truly believe pets are reflective of your personality and are so much like family in that they are always there for you. It’s absolutely amazing how much a pet can affect your life - in a good way. And at this very point in time - it's also amazing to me how much better pets can be than men. What this boils down to is…. I’m just hoping that in time...in due time… a real man will come to me with relevance just like my pets did.

Here's to hope!

she's moving over to the other side

Her bachelorette weekend symbolized the end of one chapter in her life and the beginning of another. 8 days from now my best friend will take a step in a new direction and join another person in their life together, this time to be bonded by endless circles placed on one anothers left finger symbolizing eternal love and devotion.

She is my best friend, infact she is the first friend I made in this city, when I moved here nearly 14 years ago. I've witnessed the relationships she's maintained throughout the years, some good, some bad but most of all none worth her eternal love. And as time passes and friendships endure their ups and downs (and believe me, we've had ours) the true test is how we managed to get through those times and come out of the trial better than before. Even though I don't know her fiance' as well as I'd like to (hell, I don't know him nearly as well as I did all the others) I hope that he realizes that there is a lot of work ahead of him and that she is surely worth it.

The bachelorette party weekend was a bunch of fun, I planned it and consider it my tribute to all of our fun times together as single women - and while she will be single no more I'm sure the fun times will continue for years to come.

This is my toast to you M - may life with Bob be all you ever dreamed of and more, don't ever forget that our friendship remains the same and I will continue to be here for you through lifes ups and downs.

Love you.

music makes me happy.

I wasn't very busy at work today and so I managed to listen to a wide variety of music at my desk from my favorite online radio station, Pandora. Some of the tunes I listened to was old stuff that I just haven't caught onto yet and other music was from new aspiring artist who have a lot to offer in this world filled with notes of nonsense.

A few melodies that managed to ruffle my skirt:

Zee Avi "Bitter Heart" - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q0rafi5CG5M&feature=featured
She is refreshing, cute and surprising. Who would have ever thought that this early 40's voice would belong to an Asian bombshell...well take a listen and decide for yourself.

Citizen Cope "Sideways" - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8cMy-Jmoso
A friend mentioned he was going to a Citizen Cope concert a couple weeks ago, never had I heard of him, so I figured I'd give it a listen. Much to my delight, I'm in love with everything this song does for me.

Matisyahu "Time of Your Song"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zHJu_nCaNAw&feature=related
This is quite the interesting scenario, a Hasidic Jew beat-boxing in a reggaeish way that intrigues me profoundly. Who woulda thunk it? I dig this.

Me with Shiny Toy Guns - http://shinytoyguns.com/ (newer find)


I'm not sure if music is like our taste buds, ready for a change every 7 years but for me over the past couple of years I have started to connect with music in a way I never thought possible. While my appetite for music has changed a lot over the years and I've had an earful of everything from gangster rap to heavy metal and mountain jams, my current obsession is music that makes me feel like I can't be touched. I've always welcomed talent and I definitely enjoy everything music has to offer, but there is something about a song that can truly give me the feeling of something to hold onto - a feeling I can't quite explain, but let me try. This music has a hypnotic effect on me in times where I need it the most. It's as if I'm being detached from reality, just a little bit. Anytime I hear a song like this I get goosebumps, then of course write down the title or the artist so it's not forgotten. I feel good music has it's way of taking us out of a moment, putting us in one, or just making the moment we're currently in that much better. I'm embracing it, you should give it a try too. See what's out there.

Picture this.

I like taking pictures just as much as the average person. Just because I have camera and *know how to use it doesn't make me a photographer but I tend to believe what does make us one is the way in which we capture the moment. I have a Samsung Coolpix my dad purchased for me last year for my birthday and I still haven't figured out all the functions so I don't consider myself a pro by any means.

The types of pictures I deeply enjoy taking are not your average "smile" and click - it's done. Nope. Most of what I enjoy is taking pictures while driving and I think I've managed the art of being really still and knowing exactly what conditions are suitable for so. Also, it helps to have your window down or at least clean, yes I've learned this from experience.

I mostly enjoy taking pictures of bridges and sky's.

A few examples are found below.

LOVE LOVE LOVE this bridge picture...

it reminds me of California and this wicked re-occurring dream I had when I was younger.

Knowing there was not enough time to even turn my body around in the back seat of the car to get this shot I held my camera up to the side of my head and without looking took what I believe to be an awesome picture.



Mountains in Virginia and an old rusted, faded green iron bridge.

I was at a stop light and couldn't help but capture this

storm a brewing with bits of sun light peeking through.

OK so this one doesn't quite fit the mold but I did take it from my car and it does have a sky in it and a railing that could be considered a bridge, right? Maybe not... but in any case I like the picture for some reason and so included it must be.

Moral of this story.

Even if you don't know the right way to do something,

don't worry, don't hesitate

it doesn't mean you're not doing it right.

All Cops are NOT created equal

Every girl dreams of finding the “one” but nobody really knows how it’s going to happen. Well guess what it's your lucky day! Ya know what I'm gonna do for you? I'm gonna tell you how it’s NOT going to happen, well for me at least but hopefully I'm not alone here, some of these are pretty ridunkulous. By the way, not all of these are speaking from experience, actually let me take that back, most of them are - but not all.

OH and if you’re a guy reading this please, please, please take this shit to the bank, it will only do you good.

Now if you don't mind I'll begin.

ahem.

You will not find yourself being the “one” or even remotely close to being the “one” if……

1)you aks me fo’ my numba

2)you do certain things in public on a regular basis that should be reserved for private – like scratching or picking something

3)you can’t handle the fact that I am a strong independent woman who doesn’t NEED someone in my life rather I WOULD LIKE someone to share life with.

4)you order a drink for yourself and not me, even though I’m standing beside of you and you know what I want to drink

5)you think that just because I got my own house and my own car – you are entitled to live with your mother until you move in with me

6)you call me everyday and want to hang out with me all the time but you just want to be friends for now

7)you completely bomb meeting the parents (I’m not talking just fudging up a sentence or completely blanking when they ask you of your intentions with me, I’m talking like getting completely blitzed and cussing out my little brother type of bomb)

8)you constantly change your mind about everything. I mean Jesus! There should be some things in your life you can hold on to for more than a day.

9)you bail out on me more than once, more than twice, more than three times for something that means a whole bunch to me.

10)you think out loud waaaaay tooooo much – yep, you know where I’m going with this one

11)you hit on any of my friends in a creepy way – friends, you know what I’m talking about, there’s playing around and then there is taking it a little too far and if you can’t tell the difference well that’s just too damn bad…next.

12)(due to recent events) you leave me at a bar in a city I’m unfamiliar with and you’re my ride

OH NO! I almost forgot. For anyone reading that doesn't know the story it wouldn't hurt to have a little background info. So I recently became friends with a cop. We started hanging out a bunch, then something, I still don't know what - changed. All of the even numbered no no’s starting with #4 (#’s 4,6,8,10 & 12 - for those on the slow boat today) are some of the reasons 'All Cops are NOT created equal'. I'll let you formulate the missing parts. It's not rocket science.

Man, I needed that. Thanks for letting me vent here.

I do! Butterflies and all.

Originally I had a side-kick who was coming along for the wedding weekend bliss but since that didn’t work out so well, I was left with two choices - Go by myself or not go at all - well actually I didn’t have a choice and I’m damn glad - Never would I ever have imagined my responsibility in my friend Kelly’s wedding to be – are you ready for this? – The Butterfly Handler. Yep that’s right; of all people she could have picked I was the one she chose to be responsible for these precious little four-winged creatures. I was honored in a way but I also felt slightly hesitant in the beginning to take on such a unfamiliar assignment because I had so many questions and the bride-to-be was so busy with all the wedding planning it was hard to get butterfly details from her (I think part of it was that Kelly didn’t really know much about the little beings either) BUT as you all should gather, I, being the newly carefree broad that I am was ready for the challenge and so I awaited the details, which never really came and so onward I went. With little to go on, and being the only one ready, willing and able to take care of the butterflies I headed to the farm (which by the way I was slightly skeptical even about where this place was considering when I MapQuested it there was no “exact” match) but in any case unknowingly I set out.

After pulling into the wrong driveway I was quickly redirected by the guy at the storage place to take an immediate right out of his driveway onto the dirt road. I can see how I missed it, the dirt road was fully lined with tall magnificent Leyland Cyprus and there was a small white sign that said “farm” with a red arrow on it – yep that’s it, and you wonder there was no match on MapQuest?


As I’m driving along the approximate 2 mile stretch of dirt road and dirt dips at oooh about 5 miles an hour in my 2-door sports coupe I couldn’t help but wonder what I was about to pull up to and what my duties would entail once I had the butterflies in hand. While the road was pretty rugged the view was beautiful and the weather was healing up nicely after a short hard rain and I was starting to get excited about this butterfly handling gig. So I pull into a large field that reads “Parking here” and I park and at this point I’m starting to gather that details and butterflies obviously don’t go together. So I stood in the field for a little bit then headed towards what looked like a greenhouse, took some pictures, waited for someone to appear, walked a little further over a wooden plank to a nice-sized house (didn’t look like a butterfly pick-up spot to me) and well, I knocked on the door. Much to my dismay I was at the right place indeed and was greeted by a young woman whom without even questioning who I was or what I was there for she proceeded to give me butterfly handling directions. The butterflies were packed in a cooler on ice, could stay there for 48 hours and were to be taken out and hour and fifteen minutes before the wedding to sit at room temperature and wake up, as she put it. Then they would be let off, the Monarchs individually and the Painted Lady’s as a mass. So she handed me the tightly sealed cooler along with an instruction sheet and sent me on my way. So as things became clearer to me...or not really any clearer at all...I sloshed back across the field and over to my car.


I set off for Asheville and I made sure I guarded the butterflies with my life; after all they were a pretty important part of the wedding. I kept them in a cool dark place over night and just like the lady instructed and hour before the wedding I took all of the butterflies out of the cooler and set them out at room temperature. Two nieces of the groom were to help let off the butterflies and I managed to snag them beforehand to let them see the butterflies and hold the little packages in their tiny hands. I told the little girls – Staley Rose & Isabelle, the little bit I knew about the butterflies and I wanted to make sure they were comfortable with what they were doing and continued by letting them know if they opened up one of the envelopes and the butterfly did not fly off, not to worry, it wasn’t ready to fly just yet, but that eventually it would…and the girls looked at me with depth and took my words. I even managed to get a basket to place the butterflies in then took the butterflies and placed them by the small table and awning where the “I do’s” would take place. Who knew there was so much that goes into this???

The mountain top wedding was absolutely beautiful. We sat there in awe overtop the landscape that Asheville offers in the springtime after an afternoon rain while Kelly & Scott exchanged vows. The butterflies were amazing and went off without a hitch.


The day after the wedding we all gathered at neighbors of the bride & groom to watch a slideshow/video of the wedding and drink margaritas. While watching the video Kelly noticed that after the wedding was over and the camera was still rolling that I went over to the table, gathered up the butterfly garb and made sure the remaining few butterflies who hadn’t yet taken off did. She looked over at me slightly teary eyed and said “Wow Ashley, when I asked you to be the butterfly handler you really took that to heart, you handled those things from the very beginning to the very end, thank you.” – And those words made the experience worth every bit.

It’s nice to be noticed. I’ve always tried to be the type of person that if I say I’m going to do something, I do it and when I do it I try my hardest to do my best at it.Even though the details were lacking I think it made the experience all the better. I took something that was just a task and turned it into something that ended up meaning a lot to me and hopefully meaning the same to many others.

Every bit of this wedding was truly sensational, but in the end it was the butterflies that carried me along. They made me realize I am a good person and not because of what I do or how I do it but just because with each day I live I strive to be a better person and that's all that really matters.


So thank you Kelly for letting me be a part of your dream come true and thank you butterflies for just being you.

Me..the Constant Gardener?

Never would I ever have imagined that I would purchase a house at 23 - let alone refinance the dang thing before turning 26! But I’m doing it, right now, real time. The “refi” process is truly a learning experience but I’m hoping the 1.5% interest reduction in itself will prove to be a wise choice for the future. It seems like every time I delve into something new like this I end up with a new hobby or pick up an unusual habit along the way. Thankfully, they’re good habits, which are the #1 reason my psychologist gave me for being “ok” now and able to live in the “real” world – and thank God for reassurance!So during the process I have managed to turn into a dedicated planter of all things green and blooming, a landscapist if you will. I’ve practically thrown myself into working on my back patio with the promise of an appraisal high enough to warrant my refinance. And so the madness has just begun, I tore up bricks and replaced them with cobblestone; I pulled out a humongous hydrangea and replaced it with a feeble purple perennial with high hopes of bearing lots of buds for years to come, I laid the bricks I pulled up to form a walkway around the backside of my house, replanted the hydrangea alongside the garbage cans to muffle water erosion and create more oxygen for the trash that it lay beside, and guess what? - That’s not all folks! I now have a little area in my patio dedicated to a potted herb garden which is sure to grow in size and variety. I also refinished a wrought iron patio table I paid a whopping $10 bucks for, which hosts a couple other potted plants including my bonsai tree, Clowie. Next on the list, I’m going to add a few garden yummies. I definitely want to have tomatoes and I’ve had a couple suggestions for squash & green peppers but I need to do some research first on types of veggies and what living conditions they’re most suitable in. More suggestions and/or gardening tips are surely welcome. Last but not least, it’s actually the order it must come in – I’m staining the concrete slabs on the patio. Now that all the dirty work is done it’s time to lay the finishing touch. This will by far the biggest feat but it will also be well worth it. Do you know how good it feels to put this much work into something and in the end find that you have a new pleasure in life that doesn’t involve drinking vodka red bulls all night long in hopes of blacking out? I am super stoked about tearing off fresh leaves to add to my dinner delights, not hooking up with the hottie in the corner of the bar. This makes me feel grown up. This makes me feel happy. And so happy I will be, cause’ some habits are worth keeping.

Relapse. Part Dos

So...First let me say the holidays crept up on me this year and therefore took up most of my blogging time…aaahegm… in the later part of November and all of December. Now we can skip on over to January, right? Right.

Ooooh wait, hold on. Hold on. Let me back up to December 31st for all you crazy at heart, this is where the fun starts anyways.
Me and my bestie (of like, gaawd what is it now? Going on 14 years? Insane.) decided to do our Christmas gift exchange the night of New Years Eve since our holiday schedules don’t seem to allow for much togetherness time anymore. After careful thought and deliberation we decided to start our evening off at Firebirds, a relatively new to the area semi-swank yet somewhat relaxed wood fired restaurant. Even though the wait was an unruly 2 1/2 hours with call-ahead seating, the generous $4 Pineapple Martinis we sucked down over that period of time led us both to believe we had made a great choice.

After we'd made multiple bar friends and were now "pineapple infused", our name was called. We piled up our bags, boxes, purses and coats and of course, our martinis and succeeded the hostess to our table. In route to our table we couldn’t help but notice two civil looking men at the hostess stand whom subsequently were just told that their wait was going to be well over an hour, as the guys huffed and puffed and were about to turn around and leave (I mean all they wanted was a good steak) Michaela and I had our infamous telepathic connection and seconds later she mettled her way over to the guys to see if they’d like to join us for dinner. To our surprise they accepted; this was going to be interesting. Not gonna lie to you though, most of our times together seem to be pretty memorable, perhaps that’s why we’ve stayed friends for so long.

Besides being one of the most random things we’ve ever done it was like we had known these guys since grade school and it seemed completely normal. Why can’t a blind date ever go this damn good? I mean C’mon.

We nibbled on appetizers, sipped on – yes, pineapple martinis and had mild conversations with a police officer and an audio tech guy (forgive me for their names have escaped my mind) for nearly two hours. The guys watched us open up our gifts and oooohed and aahhhed at the presents we had for each other, suggesting we had to have “known” each other for a long time judging from the satisfaction we both shared with our new-found goodies.

As the alcohol took over a good part of our blood stream, the food disappeared from our plates and the time was steadily creeping towards midnight we decided it would be best to wrap up the party and take it elsewhere – to my merriment the guys paid for the appetizers and drinks and thanked us once again for our company and letting them sit with us. We informed them of where we were headed and offered them to join us but instead we exited the restaurant and parted ways. They didn’t ask us for our numbers and they didn’t show up at the place we went next. Two hours of entertaining conversations with complete strangers, that was it. I spent a couple moments in a lackadaisical afterthought before I realized it was what it was and that was the beauty of it.

Lesson learned. Good things don’t always happen when they’re planned out. Sometimes it’s the excitement and thrill of the unknown that will bring out a part of us or someone else for that matter only to introduce new experiences and new memories to our lives. Experiences that stick with you like bean and bacon soup – or like a best friend. It was at this moment I made my New Years resolution to be a little more carefree in 2009. Not irresponsible – just more relaxed, easy-going and not so predictable.

I believe this was a gratifying introduction to a new me in ‘09. Whatchou think about that?

Ok, so...I went into a Relapse

So…this thing we call life definitely has ways of carrying us where we need to be or are "supposed" to be. In the infinite days since I last wrote I was working on regaining myself after a break-up, exploring new things, meeting new people, etc. etc. etc. - well mind you the absence from the blog, I've been having a hell of a time out here! - with this said, for a mere 3 1/2 or so months I've put blogging on the back burner in hopes of finding something else to keep my mind off the silly little things.

And that’s just what happened.

So…just what have I been up to since Monday, November 3rd 2008?
Well everyone knows how much “fun” my list are so for all of you peeps out there following my blog, which to this day amounts to a big fat “zero” – (don’t worry I don't blame you, I know I'm not a dependable blogger) – but I assure you I will let you know what I’ve been up to in my next blog.

I just wanted to write today to let you know I’m still alive and kicking. K?

all good things must come to and end. bad things too.

In an attempt to get over my ex-boyfriend and the life I thought we would share together I have been hitting the single scene quite often these days. By now many of you reading my blog might have perceived me as "really" writing this blog as part of "therapy" but in actuality I've been trying to take my mind off of the later. Blogging has a lot of qualities of and can definitely be considered "therapy".
And so... blog I will.

So I have been spending a good amount of time going out with other single ladies in the Triad venturing around with the possibility I might find someone who can fulfill this void I've been left with. So far it seems to only move me closer to feeling like this is going to be harder than I originally thought. People seem to have taken on this weird unsociable persona that I feel can be credited to online social networks and fantasy worlds that have enabled people to feel like they don't have to really try anymore in the "real world" (hell we've got Facebook so we can live vicariously through others and now we don't have to face the fact that we're miserable, right?)

So I took the challenge and went a step further.

I took the plunge, the one I never thought I'd be so desperate to make and joined the 'oh so hip' match.com. Well desperado's beware, most everybody stays for the free 3 or 7 day trial and then trucks it, leaving those who actually decide to stay longer winking and emailing people who have long fled the virtual world for something more substantial. And another one bites the dust. I'm NOT renewing my account for another month at $35.00 BUT the good thing is I did make my money back with dinner and drinks paid for by someone I'll never talk to or see again.

See... I can see the good in every situation.

So yet again, I'm left thinking.

I've come to the conclusion that person-to-person is hard for me and online is just not for me. So what does this mean? Well for me it means I'm going to have to try a lot damn harder to make this person-to-person think work. I'm going to have to learn that social rejection is hard to swallow but it does indeed make you stronger and less likely to stumble upon the wrong people or situations in the future, and if you waltz into it again you may be able to handle it better.

I have already started trying to step outside this box I live in and involve myself less in the oh so desirable bar scene where take homes are as easy to come across and actually start involving myself in activities and scenes where different people wander. Maybe, just maybe this will work.

Moral of the story. Don't give up. We can never decide that just because something didn't work out the first time it won't the next and there are always alternatives. There is a plan for each and every one of us and things don't seem to EVER work out like we thought, planned or wanted.

The real challenge and the things we have to take out of any/every situation is:

1) We learned something.
2) We are better prepared for next time.
3) Hell, we might even see next time coming.
4) Forget that, we might even avoid next time cause it truly sucked balls the first time around and we ain't going there again.
5) To try different things which might end in different results.
6) To know that things happen for a reason, we may just not know why yet.


Happy Hunting to all those on the prowl!

ooooo.ooooo. pick me next, please

For those of us who have ever been the last one picked or the one never picked at all, this is for you.

From time to time I have to imagine myself as someone else, because if I don't I will probably fall into an inescapable black hole which will morph me into a deep dark sinister depression.

I do this because it seems to me that I am always last on every ones "pick list", always left out of conversation and always scrutinized for something that everyone around me has done, yet was never punished for. I've started to feel like I don't fit in anywhere and that trying so hard is seemingly pointless.

I'm not sure if this is anxiety causing constant overflow into the brain area which seems to blind me temporarily into these awkward situations or if I "really" do not fit in anymore, anywhere.

So my force to be reckoned with this week is to open my eyes and make sure I am putting myself out there for others to pick, making sure I am available to converse and making sure no one puts me down for something I have no control over.

Things NOT to dwell on today:
1)No one asked me to lunch today but that's okay, I don't have to go out to lunch everyday with someone in order to feel "special" - besides who has the mula for that, my sandwich was fine (actually it was pretty damned tasty).
2)Okay, so I've been cut off about 4 times today while I was in mid-conversation but that doesn't mean people don't want to hear me. I need to be heard, I'm important and so is what I have to say.
3)Are you ignoring me? Yep, I've been ignored again. I try talking louder and louder every time but I'm still ignored. Who ignores someone, that's just rude. That's their problem not mine. I'm over it!

So you see, things I otherwise would have bottled up inside of me are now free - free for anyone to read. Blogging is starting to become an excellent way for me to deal with the unexplainable, unaccountable, uncontrollable thoughts that work their way into my body every day. I'm starting to feel lighter, calmer and relieved.

I'm starting to feel like, I might be picked next and that's a good feeling to have.

overwhelmed with goose bumps

So you know how us girls/women are, especially if you are one. We tend to have these little crushes from time to time on boys/guys/men whether we're in a relationship or not. We even go so far to get caught up in these fixations where we begin to plan stuff with the guy even when we have yet to speak to him.
It's almost like going cuckoo for cocoa puffs and never have tasted them.
At least this has been my experience.
But that's not saying much considering I would be the needle in the hay stack.
Others call me unique.

ANYWAYS...The reasons for our crushes are by far more stimulating to the hypothalamus than the fact that we do indeed have them.

Here is a list of reasons I have had crushes in the past:

1) He has nice shoes.
2) He has nice teeth.
3) He has nice clothes.
4) He has nice eyes.
5) He has nice skin.
6) He has nice hair.
7) He has no hair.
8) He has too much hair.
9) He has hair plugs.

told ya it would be stimulating - basically I don't need a reason for a crush I just have them. it never goes anywhere though. so in an effort to become a better person with lofty goals and a better understanding for this thing we call life my objective is to have a crush that has some meat to it. I want multiple reasons for dreaming of this guy. I need verification for spending 2 hours of my evening looking through facebook photos of him envisioning I was there.

I need my list to look more like this:

1) He is very knowlegable about ______
2) He loves his family and wants to meet mine.
3) He has a passion for ______
4) He thinks I'm pretty special.
5) He talks about the future.
6) He wants/likes to spend time with me.
7) He likes a little adventure.
8) He has a sense of humor.
(an understanding of my dry humor is a +)
9) He has teeth.

Part of my "therapy" is to be more social and less anxious all the time, so if I can break through this cycle of silly crushes and actually get up the nerve to say "hi" to a guy I think I actually might be able to muster up more than a simple crush and my life could possibly start to head in a new direction.

I need to grow a back bone in other words.




Human interaction here I come!