From time to time I have to imagine myself as someone else, because if I don't I will probably fall into an inescapable black hole which will morph me into a deep dark sinister depression.
I do this because it seems to me that I am always last on every ones "pick list", always left out of conversation and always scrutinized for something that everyone around me has done, yet was never punished for. I've started to feel like I don't fit in anywhere and that trying so hard is seemingly pointless.
I'm not sure if this is anxiety causing constant overflow into the brain area which seems to blind me temporarily into these awkward situations or if I "really" do not fit in anymore, anywhere.
So my force to be reckoned with this week is to open my eyes and make sure I am putting myself out there for others to pick, making sure I am available to converse and making sure no one puts me down for something I have no control over.
Things NOT to dwell on today:
1)No one asked me to lunch today but that's okay, I don't have to go out to lunch everyday with someone in order to feel "special" - besides who has the mula for that, my sandwich was fine (actually it was pretty damned tasty).
2)Okay, so I've been cut off about 4 times today while I was in mid-conversation but that doesn't mean people don't want to hear me. I need to be heard, I'm important and so is what I have to say.
3)Are you ignoring me? Yep, I've been ignored again. I try talking louder and louder every time but I'm still ignored. Who ignores someone, that's just rude. That's their problem not mine. I'm over it!
So you see, things I otherwise would have bottled up inside of me are now free - free for anyone to read. Blogging is starting to become an excellent way for me to deal with the unexplainable, unaccountable, uncontrollable thoughts that work their way into my body every day. I'm starting to feel lighter, calmer and relieved.
I'm starting to feel like, I might be picked next and that's a good feeling to have.
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