Me..the Constant Gardener?

Never would I ever have imagined that I would purchase a house at 23 - let alone refinance the dang thing before turning 26! But I’m doing it, right now, real time. The “refi” process is truly a learning experience but I’m hoping the 1.5% interest reduction in itself will prove to be a wise choice for the future. It seems like every time I delve into something new like this I end up with a new hobby or pick up an unusual habit along the way. Thankfully, they’re good habits, which are the #1 reason my psychologist gave me for being “ok” now and able to live in the “real” world – and thank God for reassurance!So during the process I have managed to turn into a dedicated planter of all things green and blooming, a landscapist if you will. I’ve practically thrown myself into working on my back patio with the promise of an appraisal high enough to warrant my refinance. And so the madness has just begun, I tore up bricks and replaced them with cobblestone; I pulled out a humongous hydrangea and replaced it with a feeble purple perennial with high hopes of bearing lots of buds for years to come, I laid the bricks I pulled up to form a walkway around the backside of my house, replanted the hydrangea alongside the garbage cans to muffle water erosion and create more oxygen for the trash that it lay beside, and guess what? - That’s not all folks! I now have a little area in my patio dedicated to a potted herb garden which is sure to grow in size and variety. I also refinished a wrought iron patio table I paid a whopping $10 bucks for, which hosts a couple other potted plants including my bonsai tree, Clowie. Next on the list, I’m going to add a few garden yummies. I definitely want to have tomatoes and I’ve had a couple suggestions for squash & green peppers but I need to do some research first on types of veggies and what living conditions they’re most suitable in. More suggestions and/or gardening tips are surely welcome. Last but not least, it’s actually the order it must come in – I’m staining the concrete slabs on the patio. Now that all the dirty work is done it’s time to lay the finishing touch. This will by far the biggest feat but it will also be well worth it. Do you know how good it feels to put this much work into something and in the end find that you have a new pleasure in life that doesn’t involve drinking vodka red bulls all night long in hopes of blacking out? I am super stoked about tearing off fresh leaves to add to my dinner delights, not hooking up with the hottie in the corner of the bar. This makes me feel grown up. This makes me feel happy. And so happy I will be, cause’ some habits are worth keeping.

Relapse. Part Dos

So...First let me say the holidays crept up on me this year and therefore took up most of my blogging time…aaahegm… in the later part of November and all of December. Now we can skip on over to January, right? Right.

Ooooh wait, hold on. Hold on. Let me back up to December 31st for all you crazy at heart, this is where the fun starts anyways.
Me and my bestie (of like, gaawd what is it now? Going on 14 years? Insane.) decided to do our Christmas gift exchange the night of New Years Eve since our holiday schedules don’t seem to allow for much togetherness time anymore. After careful thought and deliberation we decided to start our evening off at Firebirds, a relatively new to the area semi-swank yet somewhat relaxed wood fired restaurant. Even though the wait was an unruly 2 1/2 hours with call-ahead seating, the generous $4 Pineapple Martinis we sucked down over that period of time led us both to believe we had made a great choice.

After we'd made multiple bar friends and were now "pineapple infused", our name was called. We piled up our bags, boxes, purses and coats and of course, our martinis and succeeded the hostess to our table. In route to our table we couldn’t help but notice two civil looking men at the hostess stand whom subsequently were just told that their wait was going to be well over an hour, as the guys huffed and puffed and were about to turn around and leave (I mean all they wanted was a good steak) Michaela and I had our infamous telepathic connection and seconds later she mettled her way over to the guys to see if they’d like to join us for dinner. To our surprise they accepted; this was going to be interesting. Not gonna lie to you though, most of our times together seem to be pretty memorable, perhaps that’s why we’ve stayed friends for so long.

Besides being one of the most random things we’ve ever done it was like we had known these guys since grade school and it seemed completely normal. Why can’t a blind date ever go this damn good? I mean C’mon.

We nibbled on appetizers, sipped on – yes, pineapple martinis and had mild conversations with a police officer and an audio tech guy (forgive me for their names have escaped my mind) for nearly two hours. The guys watched us open up our gifts and oooohed and aahhhed at the presents we had for each other, suggesting we had to have “known” each other for a long time judging from the satisfaction we both shared with our new-found goodies.

As the alcohol took over a good part of our blood stream, the food disappeared from our plates and the time was steadily creeping towards midnight we decided it would be best to wrap up the party and take it elsewhere – to my merriment the guys paid for the appetizers and drinks and thanked us once again for our company and letting them sit with us. We informed them of where we were headed and offered them to join us but instead we exited the restaurant and parted ways. They didn’t ask us for our numbers and they didn’t show up at the place we went next. Two hours of entertaining conversations with complete strangers, that was it. I spent a couple moments in a lackadaisical afterthought before I realized it was what it was and that was the beauty of it.

Lesson learned. Good things don’t always happen when they’re planned out. Sometimes it’s the excitement and thrill of the unknown that will bring out a part of us or someone else for that matter only to introduce new experiences and new memories to our lives. Experiences that stick with you like bean and bacon soup – or like a best friend. It was at this moment I made my New Years resolution to be a little more carefree in 2009. Not irresponsible – just more relaxed, easy-going and not so predictable.

I believe this was a gratifying introduction to a new me in ‘09. Whatchou think about that?

Ok, so...I went into a Relapse

So…this thing we call life definitely has ways of carrying us where we need to be or are "supposed" to be. In the infinite days since I last wrote I was working on regaining myself after a break-up, exploring new things, meeting new people, etc. etc. etc. - well mind you the absence from the blog, I've been having a hell of a time out here! - with this said, for a mere 3 1/2 or so months I've put blogging on the back burner in hopes of finding something else to keep my mind off the silly little things.

And that’s just what happened.

So…just what have I been up to since Monday, November 3rd 2008?
Well everyone knows how much “fun” my list are so for all of you peeps out there following my blog, which to this day amounts to a big fat “zero” – (don’t worry I don't blame you, I know I'm not a dependable blogger) – but I assure you I will let you know what I’ve been up to in my next blog.

I just wanted to write today to let you know I’m still alive and kicking. K?

all good things must come to and end. bad things too.

In an attempt to get over my ex-boyfriend and the life I thought we would share together I have been hitting the single scene quite often these days. By now many of you reading my blog might have perceived me as "really" writing this blog as part of "therapy" but in actuality I've been trying to take my mind off of the later. Blogging has a lot of qualities of and can definitely be considered "therapy".
And so... blog I will.

So I have been spending a good amount of time going out with other single ladies in the Triad venturing around with the possibility I might find someone who can fulfill this void I've been left with. So far it seems to only move me closer to feeling like this is going to be harder than I originally thought. People seem to have taken on this weird unsociable persona that I feel can be credited to online social networks and fantasy worlds that have enabled people to feel like they don't have to really try anymore in the "real world" (hell we've got Facebook so we can live vicariously through others and now we don't have to face the fact that we're miserable, right?)

So I took the challenge and went a step further.

I took the plunge, the one I never thought I'd be so desperate to make and joined the 'oh so hip' match.com. Well desperado's beware, most everybody stays for the free 3 or 7 day trial and then trucks it, leaving those who actually decide to stay longer winking and emailing people who have long fled the virtual world for something more substantial. And another one bites the dust. I'm NOT renewing my account for another month at $35.00 BUT the good thing is I did make my money back with dinner and drinks paid for by someone I'll never talk to or see again.

See... I can see the good in every situation.

So yet again, I'm left thinking.

I've come to the conclusion that person-to-person is hard for me and online is just not for me. So what does this mean? Well for me it means I'm going to have to try a lot damn harder to make this person-to-person think work. I'm going to have to learn that social rejection is hard to swallow but it does indeed make you stronger and less likely to stumble upon the wrong people or situations in the future, and if you waltz into it again you may be able to handle it better.

I have already started trying to step outside this box I live in and involve myself less in the oh so desirable bar scene where take homes are as easy to come across and actually start involving myself in activities and scenes where different people wander. Maybe, just maybe this will work.

Moral of the story. Don't give up. We can never decide that just because something didn't work out the first time it won't the next and there are always alternatives. There is a plan for each and every one of us and things don't seem to EVER work out like we thought, planned or wanted.

The real challenge and the things we have to take out of any/every situation is:

1) We learned something.
2) We are better prepared for next time.
3) Hell, we might even see next time coming.
4) Forget that, we might even avoid next time cause it truly sucked balls the first time around and we ain't going there again.
5) To try different things which might end in different results.
6) To know that things happen for a reason, we may just not know why yet.


Happy Hunting to all those on the prowl!

ooooo.ooooo. pick me next, please

For those of us who have ever been the last one picked or the one never picked at all, this is for you.

From time to time I have to imagine myself as someone else, because if I don't I will probably fall into an inescapable black hole which will morph me into a deep dark sinister depression.

I do this because it seems to me that I am always last on every ones "pick list", always left out of conversation and always scrutinized for something that everyone around me has done, yet was never punished for. I've started to feel like I don't fit in anywhere and that trying so hard is seemingly pointless.

I'm not sure if this is anxiety causing constant overflow into the brain area which seems to blind me temporarily into these awkward situations or if I "really" do not fit in anymore, anywhere.

So my force to be reckoned with this week is to open my eyes and make sure I am putting myself out there for others to pick, making sure I am available to converse and making sure no one puts me down for something I have no control over.

Things NOT to dwell on today:
1)No one asked me to lunch today but that's okay, I don't have to go out to lunch everyday with someone in order to feel "special" - besides who has the mula for that, my sandwich was fine (actually it was pretty damned tasty).
2)Okay, so I've been cut off about 4 times today while I was in mid-conversation but that doesn't mean people don't want to hear me. I need to be heard, I'm important and so is what I have to say.
3)Are you ignoring me? Yep, I've been ignored again. I try talking louder and louder every time but I'm still ignored. Who ignores someone, that's just rude. That's their problem not mine. I'm over it!

So you see, things I otherwise would have bottled up inside of me are now free - free for anyone to read. Blogging is starting to become an excellent way for me to deal with the unexplainable, unaccountable, uncontrollable thoughts that work their way into my body every day. I'm starting to feel lighter, calmer and relieved.

I'm starting to feel like, I might be picked next and that's a good feeling to have.

overwhelmed with goose bumps

So you know how us girls/women are, especially if you are one. We tend to have these little crushes from time to time on boys/guys/men whether we're in a relationship or not. We even go so far to get caught up in these fixations where we begin to plan stuff with the guy even when we have yet to speak to him.
It's almost like going cuckoo for cocoa puffs and never have tasted them.
At least this has been my experience.
But that's not saying much considering I would be the needle in the hay stack.
Others call me unique.

ANYWAYS...The reasons for our crushes are by far more stimulating to the hypothalamus than the fact that we do indeed have them.

Here is a list of reasons I have had crushes in the past:

1) He has nice shoes.
2) He has nice teeth.
3) He has nice clothes.
4) He has nice eyes.
5) He has nice skin.
6) He has nice hair.
7) He has no hair.
8) He has too much hair.
9) He has hair plugs.

told ya it would be stimulating - basically I don't need a reason for a crush I just have them. it never goes anywhere though. so in an effort to become a better person with lofty goals and a better understanding for this thing we call life my objective is to have a crush that has some meat to it. I want multiple reasons for dreaming of this guy. I need verification for spending 2 hours of my evening looking through facebook photos of him envisioning I was there.

I need my list to look more like this:

1) He is very knowlegable about ______
2) He loves his family and wants to meet mine.
3) He has a passion for ______
4) He thinks I'm pretty special.
5) He talks about the future.
6) He wants/likes to spend time with me.
7) He likes a little adventure.
8) He has a sense of humor.
(an understanding of my dry humor is a +)
9) He has teeth.

Part of my "therapy" is to be more social and less anxious all the time, so if I can break through this cycle of silly crushes and actually get up the nerve to say "hi" to a guy I think I actually might be able to muster up more than a simple crush and my life could possibly start to head in a new direction.

I need to grow a back bone in other words.




Human interaction here I come!

oh yeah... this will be random

Seeing how life is totally unpredictable my blog entries will follow suit. I am a neat freak and OCD about too many things in my life for this blog to also be calculable, after all this is supposed to be helping me out, right?

If perhaps you might wonder what I'm OCD about, below is a partial list:

1) My sock drawer. I organize it when I'm bored.

2) Crumbs. As long as I don't see them I'm fine.

3) There is a place/spot for everything. I know where it is, where it should be and why it's there. You may not, so don't move anything. Umm, in the instance something is moved I have and uncontrollable, immediate reaction to put it back where it belongs.

4) Why do people 'loud eat'? If you seriously have to make that much noise to get your food up on your utensil, there is either

A. not enough food to do so
or
B. not enough food to do so anymore.

This is the time most people 'non-loud eaters' get a refill or call it quits.

5) Drivers that stop when they're supposed to be accelerating onto the highway by use of this thing we call the ON RAMP. There is just no reason, or no reason I have found yet to STOP. It causes tremendous grief for all other drivers including yourself, so why do it? It's called MERGE, look it up on wikipedia if you have to.

Okay, I already see possibilities that my partial list could turn into my full list 'cause I'm on a roll and getting riled up at the current moment.
OH! and I'm kinda OCD about finishing things that I've started.
So you see this might be a good thing for me.
So I'm stopping now.
Don't be sad, there will surely be plenty of time for me to express the remaining, exhaustive list of inclinations I have.