ooooo.ooooo. pick me next, please

For those of us who have ever been the last one picked or the one never picked at all, this is for you.

From time to time I have to imagine myself as someone else, because if I don't I will probably fall into an inescapable black hole which will morph me into a deep dark sinister depression.

I do this because it seems to me that I am always last on every ones "pick list", always left out of conversation and always scrutinized for something that everyone around me has done, yet was never punished for. I've started to feel like I don't fit in anywhere and that trying so hard is seemingly pointless.

I'm not sure if this is anxiety causing constant overflow into the brain area which seems to blind me temporarily into these awkward situations or if I "really" do not fit in anymore, anywhere.

So my force to be reckoned with this week is to open my eyes and make sure I am putting myself out there for others to pick, making sure I am available to converse and making sure no one puts me down for something I have no control over.

Things NOT to dwell on today:
1)No one asked me to lunch today but that's okay, I don't have to go out to lunch everyday with someone in order to feel "special" - besides who has the mula for that, my sandwich was fine (actually it was pretty damned tasty).
2)Okay, so I've been cut off about 4 times today while I was in mid-conversation but that doesn't mean people don't want to hear me. I need to be heard, I'm important and so is what I have to say.
3)Are you ignoring me? Yep, I've been ignored again. I try talking louder and louder every time but I'm still ignored. Who ignores someone, that's just rude. That's their problem not mine. I'm over it!

So you see, things I otherwise would have bottled up inside of me are now free - free for anyone to read. Blogging is starting to become an excellent way for me to deal with the unexplainable, unaccountable, uncontrollable thoughts that work their way into my body every day. I'm starting to feel lighter, calmer and relieved.

I'm starting to feel like, I might be picked next and that's a good feeling to have.

overwhelmed with goose bumps

So you know how us girls/women are, especially if you are one. We tend to have these little crushes from time to time on boys/guys/men whether we're in a relationship or not. We even go so far to get caught up in these fixations where we begin to plan stuff with the guy even when we have yet to speak to him.
It's almost like going cuckoo for cocoa puffs and never have tasted them.
At least this has been my experience.
But that's not saying much considering I would be the needle in the hay stack.
Others call me unique.

ANYWAYS...The reasons for our crushes are by far more stimulating to the hypothalamus than the fact that we do indeed have them.

Here is a list of reasons I have had crushes in the past:

1) He has nice shoes.
2) He has nice teeth.
3) He has nice clothes.
4) He has nice eyes.
5) He has nice skin.
6) He has nice hair.
7) He has no hair.
8) He has too much hair.
9) He has hair plugs.

told ya it would be stimulating - basically I don't need a reason for a crush I just have them. it never goes anywhere though. so in an effort to become a better person with lofty goals and a better understanding for this thing we call life my objective is to have a crush that has some meat to it. I want multiple reasons for dreaming of this guy. I need verification for spending 2 hours of my evening looking through facebook photos of him envisioning I was there.

I need my list to look more like this:

1) He is very knowlegable about ______
2) He loves his family and wants to meet mine.
3) He has a passion for ______
4) He thinks I'm pretty special.
5) He talks about the future.
6) He wants/likes to spend time with me.
7) He likes a little adventure.
8) He has a sense of humor.
(an understanding of my dry humor is a +)
9) He has teeth.

Part of my "therapy" is to be more social and less anxious all the time, so if I can break through this cycle of silly crushes and actually get up the nerve to say "hi" to a guy I think I actually might be able to muster up more than a simple crush and my life could possibly start to head in a new direction.

I need to grow a back bone in other words.




Human interaction here I come!

oh yeah... this will be random

Seeing how life is totally unpredictable my blog entries will follow suit. I am a neat freak and OCD about too many things in my life for this blog to also be calculable, after all this is supposed to be helping me out, right?

If perhaps you might wonder what I'm OCD about, below is a partial list:

1) My sock drawer. I organize it when I'm bored.

2) Crumbs. As long as I don't see them I'm fine.

3) There is a place/spot for everything. I know where it is, where it should be and why it's there. You may not, so don't move anything. Umm, in the instance something is moved I have and uncontrollable, immediate reaction to put it back where it belongs.

4) Why do people 'loud eat'? If you seriously have to make that much noise to get your food up on your utensil, there is either

A. not enough food to do so
or
B. not enough food to do so anymore.

This is the time most people 'non-loud eaters' get a refill or call it quits.

5) Drivers that stop when they're supposed to be accelerating onto the highway by use of this thing we call the ON RAMP. There is just no reason, or no reason I have found yet to STOP. It causes tremendous grief for all other drivers including yourself, so why do it? It's called MERGE, look it up on wikipedia if you have to.

Okay, I already see possibilities that my partial list could turn into my full list 'cause I'm on a roll and getting riled up at the current moment.
OH! and I'm kinda OCD about finishing things that I've started.
So you see this might be a good thing for me.
So I'm stopping now.
Don't be sad, there will surely be plenty of time for me to express the remaining, exhaustive list of inclinations I have.

we all have to start somewhere

I like life, generally speaking but sometimes have difficulty dealing with various circumstances, people(myself included) and well, most of the time I paint or drink when I'm angry, mad, sad, confused, etc. but I thought that maybe, just maybe I should start to write about some of these instances and not repress so much...plus my psychologist said that in order for me not to be institutionalized again I had to. So there ya go, here I am, here's what I have to say.

Let the blogging begin.