still

In addition to my personal training regimen with Josh, the bubbly boo-tay trainer, which is in its 9th month of greatness, over the past few months I have also been training for a triathlon. I know, I know. It’s pretty amazing huh? At least I’m not sitting on the couch eating bon-bons, right? And so, as the tri-date quickly approaches my confidence level, which should be soaring super high, just hit rock bottom.

All of this training and preparation for a triathlon not only works wonders for the bod but can have a gleaming affect on the ol' backbone. That has been my experience up until last Tuesday's pre-tri-meet. As I pulled and tugged at the borrowed bike, which is in pieces, in order to fit in my tiny two door sports coupe, I must have done it completely wrong. After attaching and tightening the front wheel I tried to stand up only to experience shooting pain up and down the left side of my back - I was stuck in a tying-the-shoe type of bend for a few seconds. Slowly as I tried to stand up straight I realized my back just went out on me. I had yet to swim, bike or run. I tried to ignore the discomfort because I didn't want to disappoint the others but when something hurts that bad it's really, really hard not to think about it. After trying to stretch while listening to transition rules and tips I realized that this, like all other things for me, was going to be a battle. I swam about 50 meters, biked about 3 miles and jogged for under a minute. That's all I could do. I shouldn't have even done that much considering the torment I was experiencing, but I did it to prove a point to myself. I went home dolefully after taking a load of ibuprofen and downing a Fat Tire beer only to ice my back and lather it down with Tiger Balm. Two days later the pain was still there and I was worried that the pain would cause me to withdraw from the race. [This is the point where the confidence starts to disassemble.]

After the third day though my back started feeling better and as I leaned over to tie my shoes, I realized that I could still do this, after all I didn't get stuck this time! I ran about a mile and a half that morning with Armani by my side as the calescent sun beat down on me. We made it home in one piece.

This Tuesday I was supposed to redeem myself as my lil tri-group met to ride the bike course we'll be on for the race. I don't think any of us imagined we'd be biking on a real live road accompanied by cars traveling at 45 plus miles, the map didn't show us that! Heck, the map didn't show much but we (Noah) used his geographic skills to get us going and then somehow lead us off course and into another county. It was at this moment we pulled over and decided it would be best to turn around. Might I add, the map is to blame. And so...of course, Erin and Noah took a quick lead again and Kathryn slowly pulled away leaving me to shadow her. My bike had been having issues on previous rides and quickly progressed into a problem on this ride. I tried not to complain, I didn't want to kill anybodies enthusiasm with my troubles or have them think I was making excuses but the gears kept locking up on me and when it happened I was not able to peddle, in previous times I was able to work everything out but as everyone faded into the distance and I let out a (what to them was a faint) yell, saying "don't get too far ahead, I don't have a cell phone", the unexpected happened and my peddle locked up again. Only this time I was hurled over the handle bars instantly meeting pavement.

I'm sure I was in shock for a second but soon after I picked up the bike and moved off the road. It was in this time that the tears started to flow. My spirit felt defeated. I had no phone. Everyone was probably far ahead. I tried getting back on my bike but in doing so discovered when I landed on the bike I smashed in the right handle bar and somehow locked up the back breaks, so I couldn't even ride it. Looking at my instantly bruised palms, feeling the pain in my knee, my friggin’ back and well most of my body I tried to disengage all the emotions that quickly started taking over. I picked up the bike and started walking. Thankfully the girls got a gut feeling and ten minutes or so later, Kathryn appeared. She came back for me!!! We were able to get a truck to stop and take us to where Erin had stopped and waited, her motherly instincts kicked in and she knew something wasn't right so she had sent Noah back for the truck. After thanking the man in the truck for being so kind, we stood in a church parking lot awaiting Noah's return. It felt like forever to me. I tried to make light of everything but deep down I felt horrible. I had once again let myself down, the group down and everybody's ride was ruined because of me, for a cancer baby that feeling eats at you. Kudos to the dapper pilot and co-pilot for trekking back to the starting point and returning to rescue us.

Three hours after the bike ride began I was on my way home.

I decided to write about all this today because I am super proud of my physical and mental progress this year. I've strengthened my core, built my endurance and I'm working on preserving my life so I can make the best of it. Even though I seem to hit road blocks pretty often I will not let it get me down again. I'm only doing the triathlon to prove to myself I can do anything I set my mind to, no matter how untouchable it once seemed. I am by no means a tri-athlete! So whatever outside force I'm currently battling with that's trying to push me away, you better back up. I may crawl, or skip or hop over the finish line and it may take me hours to do so but I WILL CROSS THE FINISH LINE! that's a bet.

.....and so I'll end this entry with a nice little reflection of the evening after the storm.

The sky was still last night, the moon glowed through the puzzle-like clouds that had formed and as I closed my eyes to take in a deep breath from the prior hours of chaos a cool breeze swept across my face... my favorite time of the year is near.